Your favorite jokes

[Humppaporo]

dave: ever seen the movie Haggard (Bam Margera)? ;D

@sehtlad: great jokes about the Spanish... Think every country has it's national jokes (sometimes about themselves but usually) about other (neighbour) countries.

One I remember is about the miserliness of the Dutch:

How do you get 15 men in a deux-chevaux? Throw a quarter in it!

There are a lot more...I will think about it.

[DaveTheRake]

Ups, sorry, I don't know any joke about brazilians... in fact I'm bad remembering jokes. In Spain we use to have the jokes type An Spanish, an English and a French... or also the jokes of people from Lepe, a village whose inhabitants are said to be much redneck... in fact there was one about at plane crashing on the Lepe airport, and it was a good one, but I don't remember, sorry

Let's see this one:

How many people form Lepe do you need to change a bulb?
500, one to hold the bulb and 499 to turn the house around it

[DaveTheRake]

A racist one:

A blackman, a gipsy and an Arab in a car, who is driving?
The police

[DaveTheRake]

This is one of my favourites; I heard it in a cooking program

A very very old man on the mechanic stair of a commercial centre; a very sexy and gorgeous blonde is a couple of steps before him, wearing one of those miniskirts so little than more than a skirt it seems a belt. The old man bends down to try and catch a "glimpse" below the skirt; the blonde notices it and angry she screams:

-"you're not a gentleman, doing this!!!!"
-"Neither you are blonde, cute" answers the old man

[twilightheart]

davetherake said:

A blackman, a gipsy and an Arab in a car, who is driving?
The police

Haha... I heared that joke for the first time from Henu ("Trollhorn") of (ex) Finntroll / Moonsorrow...

[blackviking]

here is the shortest joke ever :

Bush is intelligent !

[Fjola]

blackviking said:

here is the shortest joke ever :

Bush is intelligent !

Probably the funniest one ever, as well. ;D

[DaveTheRake]

A good one I was told at holydays:

-How do you call a person who talks two languages?
-Bilingual
-How do you call a person who only talks one language?
-Spanish ;D

[DaveTheRake]

I've found this one on the net:

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered"

[Turre]

This is little dirty, so under 18, don't read or don't whine :
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

[DaveTheRake]

What I've written in the "funny shit from the net" thread has brought to my mind a joke a guy from Cuba I know once told me, it's a bad one, sorry:

"It has taken place a meeting among USA, Europe and Cuba to share their opinion on how to solve the problem of hunger in the world... unfortunately the meeting has been a dissaster due to:

-The USA speaker didn't know that there were world outside USA

-The European speaker didn't know what hunger is

-The Cuban speaker was not allowed to have an opinion"

[thyr]

blackviking said:

1)

What is white and jumps from tree to tree ?

answer : an Austrian doctor fighting against birdflue !

When you see a swan with handkerchieves and empty Aspirin bottles around him... Run away!!

[teuton]

A rich German, a rich Briton and a rich Swede are sitting in their private airplane.
Suddenly the German asks: "Does anybody kow which country is below us?"
The Briton stretches his arm out of the window and says "Well, it's warm. Possibly Morocco."
A few hours later the Swede asks: "And where are we now?"
The German said after having stretched his arm out: "It's cold. Probably somewehere in the north."
Later on, the swede puts out his arm after the Briton had asekd where they were. Round his arm, he had an expensive Rolex watch.
Pulling his arm back inside he startled: "Where's my watch?"
"You see, now I'm quite sure that we are above Poland" answers the German.

I know, very funny But for Germans the Poles are always those who steal everything^^

[CrazyMary]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family,so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

[mmaartijn]

I like this oneliner:

Suicide? That would be the lást thing I would do! ;D