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Post by teuton on Dec 19, 2005 0:07:14 GMT 2
The joke is cool indeed Here in Germany people are complaning when it is cold, when it is hot, when it is raining, when it snows..... People just cannot satisfy...damn straight Krauts...
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Post by Heiðinn Hermaðr on Jan 7, 2006 5:18:30 GMT 2
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. * Room service? Send up a larger room. * Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? * Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. * He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. * I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. * A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. * From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. * You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? * You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. * Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? * Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. * Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. * Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. * One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. * I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. * I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. * If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. * I must confess, I was born at a very early age. * I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. * It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. * I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. * Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. * Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did. * After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage. Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho." Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan." * Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? * Time wounds all heels. * Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! * Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. * As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. * Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh . . . Now you tell me what you know. * Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! * I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. * Whatever it is . . . I'm against it. * A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. * Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. * Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
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Post by Heiðinn Hermaðr on Jan 7, 2006 5:26:56 GMT 2
You probably don't have any portuguese jokes, since most of the country isn't even aware we exist, but I know the brasillians do... ahahaha Hey I can't rememeber any, right now But I will ! hahahahaha
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Post by Heiðinn Hermaðr on Jan 8, 2006 17:48:40 GMT 2
As Sethlad requested... A Portuguese joke ! This bloke from Alentejo has nine sons, eight have black hair and one is a red-head. He has spent a life-time wondering if the red-head is really his child. He falls ill and takes to his bed. He is at death's door . He calls his wife to his bed-side and says to her: "Tell me the truth; the red-head isn't my son, is he?" "Manuel, suppose I tell you the truth and you don't die?" "I'm dying, I'm dying…..don't let me die wracked by doubt." "Listen Manuel, I'll tell you the whole truth…….the red-head is truly your son" She falls silent and the seconds tick by. "Jose is the father of the other eight!" enjoy !
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Post by Heiðinn Hermaðr on Jan 8, 2006 17:57:05 GMT 2
A Portuguese father to his small son:
"A stork has brought you a little brother; shall I take you up to see him?"
"Dad,…. I'd rather see the stork."
------------------------- Two rich Jews shared a lover ……..to keep costs down.
As things would have it she got pregnant. It was the ninth month and one of the men was away on a business trip. The other sent him this e-mail:
"Our lover has given birth to twins. Mine was still-born".
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MoonDancer
Clansman
"Voices are calling from somewhere below"
Posts: 384
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Post by MoonDancer on Jan 8, 2006 17:58:08 GMT 2
Here is one of my fave jokes.
St. Peter has a real good day in heaven. So he decides to go back on Earth and help some people. He notices that a Russian, an American and a Hungarian farmer has lost his only cow during the night. First he goes to the Russian farmer: -I know that your cow died last night. I'm here to fulfill yor wish now, so what would you like? -I'd like to have a new cow, -answers the Russsian. -OK.-says St. Peter and gives him a cow. Than continues his trip to the USA. -I know that your cow died yesterday. Since I'm happy today, you can have a wish now. -I want a new, young cow which can produce twice as much of milk as the previous one could. -Well,-replies St. Peter, - that's a bit difficult, but I can do it for you. Here's your cow. Finally St. Peter arrives to Hungary, to uncle Joe's house. -I know that your cow died yesterday. I know that you've got a lot of other problems. Thus I came down from heaven to fulfill your wish. What would you like? - I want my neighbour's cow to die, too.
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Post by swiatowit on Jan 15, 2006 12:52:31 GMT 2
Jesus came back on The Earth. He was walking down the New York slums, and he saw two rastamans smoking marihuana. "I must tell you something, guys!"- he said "Smoke with us- then you can speak."- said one of them. "OK, but it couldn't make me high!"- said and Jesus, smiled and smoked joint. "Well, You can speak!"- said rasta "You know, I'm the God!" "And that's it, man!"
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Post by SkogRoar on Jan 15, 2006 14:15:55 GMT 2
some tiring one: the old Scotish man is about to leave mother Scotland forver, so in the hour of death, he wants his family to be with him. "Dear wife, are u with me?" "Yes, my love" "My little daughter...or how beauty u are...are u here, to witness my last journey?" "Yas Daddy *cries*" "Claud, my beloved son. Are u here to?" "Yes Father *prays*" "All of you are here?" "Yes *sais all*" "THEN WHY THE FCKING LIGHT IS ON IN THE BATHROOOM? "
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Post by Heiðinn Hermaðr on Jan 15, 2006 18:09:57 GMT 2
some tiring one: the old Scotish man is about to leave mother Scotland forver, so in the hour of death, he wants his family to be with him. "Dear wife, are u with me?" "Yes, my love" "My little daughter...or how beauty u are...are u here, to witness my last journey?" "Yas Daddy *cries*" "Claud, my beloved son. Are u here to?" "Yes Father *prays*" "All of you are here?" "Yes *sais all*" "THEN WHY THE FCKING LIGHT IS ON IN THE BATHROOOM? " hahahahaha Good one ! ;D
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MoonDancer
Clansman
"Voices are calling from somewhere below"
Posts: 384
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Post by MoonDancer on Jan 21, 2006 22:02:17 GMT 2
A man driving a van spots a crashed truck, with penguins hopping on it, looking lost. He takes pity and loads them into his van. The police see the van and pull it over. 'What's with the penguins?' The man replies: 'I saw them on the road and I picked them up.' The policeman said: 'Take them to the zoo.' Later the policeman sees him driving past again with all the penguins in bathing suits. 'I thought I told you to take them to the zoo,' he says. 'I did,' said the driver. 'We had so much fun, that I'm taking them to the beach.'
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mmaartijn
Clansman
Northland Warrior, has no home to hide!
Posts: 394
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Post by mmaartijn on Jan 22, 2006 20:43:52 GMT 2
hahah
There's a farmer with 15 pigs, he want's them to be horny and multiply themselves...but they aren't. He goes to a docter who says: When they want to multiply they'll roll in the mud, you'll have to make them that way. So the farmer has an idea, he takes all his pigs in the truck, drives them to the forest and takes each pig from behind. Next morning when he sees the pigs, they aren't in the mud and not horny at all. So he takes them in the truck again and drives them to the forest again. This time he takes every pig twice. Next day the pigs still aren't in the mud so he tries one more time, pigs in the truck, to the forest and he takes them from behind the whole afternoon long. Next morning he's that tired from the action the last day, so he askes his wife to watch the pigs and she must tell him wether they are horny or not. When she comes back she tells the farmer that the pigs aren't in the mud at all! They're all in the truck and one pig is on the drivers seat, he's claxoning and they are waiting for the farmer to go to the forest ;D
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Post by Humppaporo on Jan 22, 2006 21:50:59 GMT 2
George Kaufmann wrote for the Marx brothers. Harpo was also a good friend of him and was often invited in his house. One day some of Kaufman’s boring friends were lingering at his house, obviously fishing for a dinner invitation. Sensing Kaufman’s plight, Harpo put on an apron, which he doused with ketchup, and re-entered the living room. “I’ve killed one of the cats, Ma’m, but I haven’t been able to catch the other one. Do you think one will be enough for dinner?” ;D
*no comment without adding a good joke, please!*
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Post by teuton on Jan 22, 2006 23:43:04 GMT 2
George Kaufmann wrote for the Marx brothers. Harpo was also a good friend of him and was often invited in his house. One day some of Kaufman’s boring friends were lingering at his house, obviously fishing for a dinner invitation. Sensing Kaufman’s plight, Harpo put on an apron, which he doused with ketchup, and re-entered the living room. “I’ve killed one of the cats, Ma’m, but I haven’t been able to catch the other one. Do you think one will be enough for dinner?” ;D *no comment without adding a good joke, please!* Either it is me who is too stupid or it is the joke, whereas the first possibilty seems more probably to me ;D
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Post by DaveTheRake on Jan 23, 2006 9:18:53 GMT 2
The gispsy kid that goes to his father and tells him -"daaaad, at school I've been asked the multiply table of number two and I knew it, that's because I'm clever or I'm gipsy" And the father answers -"that's because you're gipsy and you're clever"
THe next day the gipsy kid tell his father
-"daaad, at school I was told to read and the teacher told me I did it quite well, that's 'cos I'm clever or 'cos I'm a gipsy" And the father -"That's because you're gipsy and clever"
The third day the gipsy kid says -"Daaaaad, at school we went to the showers after sports class and all the boys had a tiny tiny dick but I have it quite big, that's because I'm clever or because I'm gipsy" And the father answers: -"that's because you're 18 and you're still on second grade of primary, bastard!!!!"
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Post by SkogRoar on Jan 23, 2006 15:41:46 GMT 2
The gispsy kid that goes to his father and tells him -"daaaad, at school I've been asked the multiply table of number two and I knew it, that's because I'm clever or I'm gipsy" And the father answers -"that's because you're gipsy and you're clever" THe next day the gipsy kid tell his father -"daaad, at school I was told to read and the teacher told me I did it quite well, that's 'cos I'm clever or 'cos I'm a gipsy" And the father -"That's because you're gipsy and clever" The third day the gipsy kid says -"Daaaaad, at school we went to the showers after sports class and all the boys had a tiny tiny dick but I have it quite big, that's because I'm clever or because I'm gipsy" And the father answers: -"that's because you're 18 and you're still on second grade of primary, bastard!!!!" hey, i just heard this joke today, about 2 hours ago
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