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Post by blackviking on Aug 29, 2006 14:36:11 GMT 2
A turkish guy goes into a weapon store and asks: Chef - you got Gun for Ali? Chef. No I don`t. Chef, you got pistol for Ali? Chef: No I don`t. Allright Chef you got knife for Ali? Chef: No I don`t.
Ali walks out and reads: Millers pawn shop - weapons of all kinds.
He walkes back in and asks: Chef, you got anything against turkish people?
Chef: Of course: Guns,pistols,knives...........
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A turkish woman is searching through the litterbox on the street and falls into it , so that only her butt looks out of the box.
A turkish man comes and starts to fuck her.
On the second floor of a house a window opens and a guy shouts: "you bloody pig - what are you doing to my wife?
The other one says: Why do you throw her away - still works
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Post by Olli The Drunk Bear on Aug 29, 2006 16:25:45 GMT 2
NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES: The water-proof towel Glow in the dark sunglasses Solar powered flashlight Submarine screen door A book on how to read Inflatable dart board A dictionary index Powdered water Pedal powered wheel chair Water proof tea bags Zero proof alcohol Reusable ice cubes Skinless bananas Do it yourself roadmap What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Take the pin out and throw it back
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MoonDancer
Clansman
"Voices are calling from somewhere below"
Posts: 384
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Post by MoonDancer on Oct 24, 2006 2:37:37 GMT 2
Maybe some of you have already heard this joke about music:
Really what’s metal music? The simplest way of describing the styles is an old, basic tale: A wicked dragon has robbed a beautiful princess and a brave knight departs for seeking her. What can happen?
HEAVY METAL: the knight arrives on his clunking Harley Davidson, cuts the dragon, drinks a bear and has sex with the princess.
GRIND METAL: the knight arrives, screams absolutely incomprehensibly for about 2 minutes than leaves.
POWER METAL: the knight arrives on his unicorn, which is white as snow, passes over the dragon, saves the princess and than makes love with her in the middle of an enchanted forest.
TRASH METAL: the knight appears, beats the dragon, saves the princess and embraces the princess…on a very fast and selfish way.
FOLK METAL: the knight arrives with some friends, who play the violin, the flute, the drum and other strange musical instruments. The dragon starts dancing and falls asleep from that plenty of dance and than the knight leaves without the princess.
VIKING METAL: the knight arrives on an old, dragon-headed Viking ship, kills the dragon with his enormous battleaxe, cooks it and eats it, rapes the princess to death, raids and burns away the castle
DEATH METAL: the knight comes, kills the dragon, rapes the princess and then kills her, too and then leaves.
BLACK METAL: the knight arrives at midnight, cuts the dragon and then impales it in front of the castle, embraces the princess, drinks from her blood and then ritually kills her, and, finally impales her, too in front of the castle.
GORE METAL: the knight comes, kills the dragon, takes its intestines out and puts it on the field in front of the castle, rapes the princess, strangles her, rapes her dead body, cuts her stomach and eats her intestines and finally burns everything.
DOOM METAL: the knight arrives, looks at the dragon, realizes that he would never be able to defeat it so he became so depressed that he commits a suicide. Then the dragon eats the knight and the princess.
PROGRESSIVE METAL: the knight arrives with his guitar, plays a solo for 26 minutes in front of the castle and the dragon commits a suicide due to its boredom. Then the knight goes up to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo for 30 minutes, using all his skills and techniques acquired on the Academy of Music. The princess escapes in the meantime and starts seeking for the HEAVY METAL knight.
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MoonDancer
Clansman
"Voices are calling from somewhere below"
Posts: 384
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Post by MoonDancer on Feb 14, 2007 23:00:26 GMT 2
-What does a bear say to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? -I love you beary much!
-What does a squirrel say to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? - I'm nuts about you.
-What does a kitten say to her boyfriend on Valentine's Day? -You are my purrrr-fect Valentine.
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Post by Olli The Drunk Bear on Feb 15, 2007 19:29:52 GMT 2
So I guess I say to my woman, "Sarah, I love you beary much my petal"
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MoonDancer
Clansman
"Voices are calling from somewhere below"
Posts: 384
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Post by MoonDancer on Feb 15, 2007 22:43:37 GMT 2
::)And she'll purr into your ears: "You're my purrrrr-fect Valentine!" ;D
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Xetee
Clansman
Jarto d'aguant?...
Posts: 218
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Post by Xetee on Feb 16, 2007 1:12:14 GMT 2
María was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, María, who created the universe?'' When María didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked María, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But María didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted María and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and María fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked María a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time María jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Later I'll be write more. I don't know jokes in English, only in Spanish, so I have to translate them.
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Xetee
Clansman
Jarto d'aguant?...
Posts: 218
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Post by Xetee on Feb 19, 2007 0:50:09 GMT 2
I've found this questions as a joke on internet:
College Entrance Exam: For G.W.Bush
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
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Post by Socke on Apr 26, 2007 21:37:34 GMT 2
Someone is driving his car on a national highway at dawn when he sees a creature at the side of the road, completely dressed in red. It waves its hand so the motorist stops and opens the window.
- I'm the red monster of the highway, says the creature. - Give me something to eat.
The driver gives the creature some of the provisions he had with him on his trip. The monster disappears. Shortly after that a creature, completely dressed in green, is sitting next to the road and wants the driver to stop.
- I'm the green monster of the highway, says the creature when the driver opens the window. - Give me something to drink.
The motorist takes some Coca Cola out of the glove box and gives it to the creature. The monster vanishes, and the driver continues his journey. Some time later he sees a creature completely dressed in blue at the side of the road. The driver stops.
- Let me guess, says the driver to the creature. - You're of course the blue monster of the highway. What do you want?
- Driver's licence and vehicle documents.
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Rempi
Clansman
Posts: 375
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Post by Rempi on May 1, 2007 10:25:30 GMT 2
WHAT ARE FINNS LIKE? 15°C.The People in Spain put wintercoat and gloves.Finns lie out to sunbathe. 10°C.The French can't switch the central heating.Finns plant flowers in the garden. 5°C.Italian cars don't work.Finns still use cabrios. 0°C.Distilled water freezes.The water in Vantaa river becomes a little thicker,it's harder to swim in it. -5°C.The Californians are in the edge of frost-death.Finns make a last barbecue-party before the winter. -10°C.The Brittish start to heat.Finns put pullover. -20°C.The Australian escape from Mallorca.Finns celebrate the Midsummer Night - autumn comes. -30°C.The Greeks freeze to death and fade away from the Earth.Finns start to wash inside the house. -40°C.Paris collapse under the frost.Finns qeuing up at the hot dog stands. -50°C.The polar bears are rescued from the Arctic.The Finnish Army delay the winter survivor training because of mild weather. -60°C.Korvatunturi(Santa Claus' home) freezes in.Finns borrow a film and stay home. -70°C.The additional Santa Claus moves to South.Finns are a little nervous 'cause they can't keep their Koskenkorva vodka outside.The Finnish Army start the winter survivor training. -183°C.Microbes perish in the food.The finnish cows complain of their owners' cold hands. -273°C.Motions of atom-based molecules stop.Finns just say:"It's cold today." -300°C.The Hell freezes in.Finns win the Eurovision Music Festival...
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Post by frostheim on May 1, 2007 10:38:41 GMT 2
-40°C.Paris collapse under the frost.Finns qeuing up at the hot dog stands. I've been in a queue at a hot-dog stand in -20...-30°C. Numerous times. -300°C.The Hell freezes in.Finns win the Eurovision Music Festival... Been there, done that.
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Post by Humppaporo on Jun 6, 2007 22:56:30 GMT 2
Today i was at the dentist for a quite painful treatment. While i was waiting for the joy to come i was reading a magazine. In there was this joke: Guy1: 'Beer is the most important invention of mankind!" Guy2: ' You forgot about the invention of the wheel' Guy1: 'Yep, you are right, the wheel was quite an important invention, but unfortunately it does not go so well with pizza!'
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Post by justsomeguy on Jun 8, 2007 23:51:27 GMT 2
Why dosen't a women need a driving liscense?
Because theres no road between the Laundry room and the kitchen.
Why did the women cross the road?
Nevermind that, what's she doing out of the kitchen.
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Post by scarecrow on Apr 15, 2008 15:20:43 GMT 2
a bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. The I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma just tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
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Ǽcen
Eagle
Posts: 168
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Post by Ǽcen on Apr 17, 2008 4:52:17 GMT 2
Why can't Arabs have Driver's Education and Sex Education on the same day?
The camels get too tired.
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