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Post by viskihiisi on Apr 17, 2008 11:46:32 GMT 2
A doctor at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what in the heck is going on"?. The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled: "PEANUTS"!!!
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MoonDancer
Clansman
"Voices are calling from somewhere below"
Posts: 384
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Post by MoonDancer on Apr 17, 2008 22:19:56 GMT 2
The phone is ringing. A little boy answers: -Hallo! -Hello, my little son. Is your mum at home? -Yes, she is. -Is there anybody with her? -Yes, a stranger. He is upstairs in the bedroom with Mum. -Are you sure? -Yes, I am. -OK. Then do me a favour, please. Go down to the garage and bring up the gun. A little silence and a few minutes later: - Here it is! - Excellent! now, my little son, please go up to the bedroom and shot the stranger. Again a little silence then two distant bangs. - I shot him. - Veeery good! Now please clean the fingerprints from the gun and put it back to the garage. you are a really good boy, little Tommy! - But I'm not little Tommy, I'm little Bobby! - I'm sorry, than. It was a wrong number.
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Post by Salamandra on Apr 18, 2008 17:40:39 GMT 2
Old lady goes to the doctor.
-Doctor, you have to do something for me. You might not have noticed, but since I entered your door I have farted like 20 times. Please do something for my condition; they might neither smell or sound, but I can't stand it anymore!
The doctor scribbles a prescription to the old lady and tells her to take the medicine and come see him next week.
So, one week later, a totally enraged old lady storms into the doctor's office.
-What have you given me, doctor? Not only haven't I stopped farting, but now they smell like rotten eggs!
-Well madame, I gave you something to clear your sinuses. Now I'll prescribe something for your hearing.
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Post by Salamandra on May 9, 2008 17:07:22 GMT 2
One day, Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson went camping. They set their tent and laid down to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his friend up and says: -Watson, look at the sky, and tell me, what do you see?
Then Watson replies: -I see millions of stars!
Holmes: And what does that mean to you? Watson thinks about it for a couple of moments, then finally says: -Astronomically, it means that there are millions of galaxies, and most probably billions of planets. Astrologically, it looks like Saturn is on Aries. Theologically, it is a sign that God is omnipotent and we are small and unsignificant compared to Him, and meterologically, it looks like we'll have a great day tomorrow! But what does it mean to you, Holmes?
Holmes, after a brief moment of silence replies: -Watson, you're an idiot! Someone stole our tent!
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Post by Ice Troll on May 10, 2008 20:13:37 GMT 2
Here is a few gay jokes my dad told me.
1. Q: How do you fit four gay men on a bar stool? A: Flip it upside down
2. Q: Why do gay men leave the hotel first thing in the morning? A: They get thier crap packed the night before.
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Post by scarecrow on May 12, 2008 14:35:50 GMT 2
Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia. After the plane was airborne, drinks orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie, about to gulp it down, handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too.... I didn't know we had a choice."
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Post by k2ngu on May 15, 2008 16:02:12 GMT 2
An old Estonian is driving to his summer home for the season and spies a dead crow on the road.
“This crow might be of some use,” he thinks and puts the dead bird into the trunk of his car.
In the fall the old Estonian is driving back from his summer home and he stops at the very same place, takes the dead crow out of the trunk and lays it on the road.
“Ahh, I didn’t need it after all,” he says to himself.
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Post by k2ngu on May 15, 2008 20:13:54 GMT 2
I do not think -- therefore I am not.
Here is the illustration of this principle: One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.
* * * A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person. - They have multiplied, said the biologist. - Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed. - If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.
I love science jokes xD.
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Post by k2ngu on May 15, 2008 21:15:41 GMT 2
Ohh, I just have to post these two jokes, or else I forget them and they're such fun xD:
In Norway they say that the Finnish national game is called „Jukki“. And this is how it goes: All participants must first drink two bottles of booze. Then they go to a big site, form two teams and start to throw knives in the air. The one having the most knives stuck in his head, is called Jukki.
* * *
A Finn and a Swede went to a fishermen’s pub in Oslo. There one drunk Norwegian fisherman started to pick a fight. To that the Finn drew his knife, stabbed it into the table and roared: „PERRRKELLLEEE!“ The Norwegian rushed from the pub and never looked back. The Swede wondered at the Finn, who calmly took the knife from the table, and asked: “What’s up with him?“ The Finn put his knife into his pocket and said: “Didn’t you know that the only ones that drunk Norwegian fishermen are afraid of, are drunk Finnish fishermen!“
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Post by Humppaporo on Sept 27, 2008 11:18:33 GMT 2
My brother forwarded this joke to me:
Never Argue with a Woman One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'For reading a book?' she replies. 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again. 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
;D
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Post by Socke on Sept 27, 2008 17:35:33 GMT 2
;D Now that reminds me of:
A 98-year old man goes to see a doctor, just for a yearly check-up. The doctor asks how he's doing.
- "I've never felt better. My girlfriend is 18 years old, pregnant and will give birth to our child soon. Not too bad, hm?", asks the old man.
The doctor thinks for a while and says: - "Let me tell you a story. I know a hunter who never missed an opportunity to hunt. But one day he took his umbrella instead of his rifle with him to the forest. Suddenly a bear appeared in front of him. The hunter took the umbrella, aimed at the bear and... bang! The bear fell down dead."
- "Ha, ha, ha .... that's impossible", laughs the old man. "Someone else must have shot."
"Exactly", answers the doctor.
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Post by Humppaporo on Oct 12, 2008 9:55:00 GMT 2
This joke is maybe not just funny, it is more something to think about. It is a bout the nature of people in some countries:
An American, Russian and Finn are looking at the elephant in the ZOO. American thinks "wonder, how many burgers one could make of him", Russian "wonder how much it costs" and Finn "I would like to know what he thinks about me"...
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Post by Nodoka on Oct 13, 2008 12:25:57 GMT 2
This is a joke that a friend sent me some days ago. I've just translated it from Spanish, and there are some words I had no idea... I hope you can understand it!!
Last night a few friends invited me to a "meeting". I told my husband that I would be back at 12 o'clock. I promise, I told him. But the meeting was so enterteining! And we drank like mad, so I forgot everything. It appears that I went back home at 3 a.m., completely drunk.
I know what time it was because when I was going in, the stupid cockoo clock rang three times. When I realized that my husband was going to wake up for this sound, and he was going to realize what time it was, I shouted "cockoo" other 9 times and went to bed. I was proud and satisfied for suddenly having had, still drunk, such a good idea to avoid the discussion with my husband, that I went to bed happy, and thinking about how intelligent and clever I am.
Next morning, while having breakfast, he asked me what time did I come back and I answered that at 12, as I had promised him. He didn't say anything, nor seemed suspicious.
- Excellent! I'm safe! - I thought. But then he said: - I think we should change this cockoo clock. - Why darling? It works perfectly... - THAT WORKS PERFECTLY? Well, let's see ... last night it rang three times, then, I don't know how, it shouted SHIT!!, then it rang four times more and coughed, then three more times, started laughing, and rang once more. It ran, trod on the cat, stumbled over the table in the corner of the room, came to bed, farted and fell asleep....
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Post by Heer E. Tik on Jun 18, 2009 9:36:43 GMT 2
Little boy comes home after his first science class... he yells: "daddy, why is the earth spinning around the sun?!" his dad yells back: "son, were you drinking again?!"
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Crystiannia
Clansman
"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows..."
Posts: 384
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Post by Crystiannia on Jun 19, 2009 4:50:07 GMT 2
What is a heathen's favorite notebook paper brand? Mead! ;D
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